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Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. They finally went with mine. I started to describe him: Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue. Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection.

Once, a man asked how much a record cost. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …. While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set.

Is that all right? The boy became very quiet. Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size So I asked the owner if he had a pair.

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He shook his head. What about that one over there? We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral. The blue looks OK, but it would be Fruit Machine Casino Jokes One-liners Clean if it was a little more orange.

Is that all I am to you? I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter.

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin. This has obvious health benefits. A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard.

Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably. The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. I brought up her bill: Today, my area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a number. It was attached to my left breast.

Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including:.

It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket. Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. Towels are located in aisle five. My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application.

I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. In some quarters, bookstores may be considered dinosaurs, but odd customers are evergreen, as these requests to bookstore clerks prove. A phone conversation between a client and me—an art director. I was wondering if you received the invoice I sent?

Yes, I received it, but I am not going to pay you yet. Well, I still need to get paid now. My bathroom habits are none of your business, and as soon as I use what you sent me, you will get paid! A customer pulled up to my drive-through window at the fast-food restaurant where I work and requested something from the lunch menu.

After thinking it over, she asked, "Do you have anything on your breakfast menu that tastes like lunch? A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. He called the company and asked how he could settle up. One woman raved about the rides at our water park, but she did have a valid Live Casino Faucet Vision Direct Reviews Are you using an American card?

You should put up a sign. We did, above the card slot. I was delivering pizzas when I fell hard onto the sidewalk. Seeing me sprawled on the ground, my concerned customer yelled, "Oh, no!

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As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone. One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer mine as well.

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it. After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the Bible. After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.

So she stopped an associate and asked, "Does this come in a Nike? A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when they have a check to write.

She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash. Tour guides get bored spewing the same facts everyday. So these Philadelphia guides rewrote history.

So Pine Street was lined with pines, etc. After giving birth, I quit my job. But one visitor stumped me: A customer called our rental store to ask about rectangular tables. I told him we had six-foot and eight-foot tables. Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever.

He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it.

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I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there. After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. Norway Hunters Welcome! After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.

The flustered agent interrupted. Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off. I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with spray bottle and paper towels in hand.

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  1. A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she Two blonde friends, Jenny and Jane, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. What NOT to do when gambling in a casino Casino Joke 01 Don't ask casino security where the pinball machines are? Casino.:
    A collection of short, funny jokes related to Gambling and Casinos!”>. Collection of quotes about gambling - nguyensan.me -American Proverb; A clear fire, a clean hearth, and the rigour of the game. - Charles Lamb (used pseudonym Elia); A dollar .. And shuffle the cards. - Cervantes, Don Quixote; People who thought it was evil are playing slot machines and lightning does not strike them. If you want to laugh your head off for literally a year and eleven days, check out these best one-liners on the web. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Politicians and diapers have one . Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Don't miss: A.
  2. Pass the time waiting in line with these funny customer service jokes. The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale. It's a pooper-scooper. Patty Brozo, Green . A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. A patron once asked me.:
    Memorize these fun clean jokes for kids, and you'll be a hero with the short set. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes. Ivy's mom said the As I was treating my daughter and her family to the buffet at a casino, all the bells and whistles for a winning slot machine began to go off.
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What kind of shark is always gambling? What do craps dealers eat for dessert? How's a casino like a good woman? Liquor in the front, poker in the back! What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it! How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch? Pay him for the Pizza Q: What does a BlackJack player eat for dinner? Whatever his comp card allows him to.

Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you. What's the difference between a poker player and a dog?

In about ten years, the dog quits whining. Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted. I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash.

Then I had him perform a few other steps. An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: My new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving the phone number to activate the card.

I called the number and got one option: That led me to a live person, who answered with her first name and the title "Credit Card Activator. As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, "How can I help you?

An hour later, there was a knock at the door. The handyman had finished. It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: After I put that in, I got a third message: Please do not hang up, as this will further delay your call.

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards. A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. Now how do you spell your name? When a boy around eight answered the phone, I identified myself, told him I was calling for MCI and asked to speak to his parents.

The FBI wants to talk to you! Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section.

A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle.

We have white and red. I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…".

Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store. When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. He said next time we needed any repairs to ask for him. The next year when we needed service again, we requested Mr. I took the day off from work and waited for him to arrive. After he had worked on our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. It had my name and said: There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.

Hare must be on vacation. Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. I called my local utility for help with a minor malfunction in my outdoor gas grill. Their automated phone system put me on hold for over 20 minutes.

One afternoon, while touring the Canyonlands of southern Utah, my husband and I pulled into the only hotel in a small town. While signing the register, we asked the young woman behind the desk if our room was air-conditioned. When she shook her head no, we hesitated, wondering if we should push on to the next town. Sensing our doubt, she brightened as she came up with a solution. My flight was delayed in Houston.

Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.

Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: This flight is going to Washington, D. If your destination is not Washington, D. A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. My wife received a credit-card application in the mail that she had not requested.

I soon got a phone call from a woman saying my application had been rejected. I asked her why, and she told me the card could only be issued to the person originally solicited by the offer. However, she invited me to reapply, which I did during the same telephone call.

The woman told me their files showed that I had previously applied for a card and had been denied. I sold an item through eBay but it got lost in the mail.

So I stopped by my local post office and asked them to track it down. While away on business, a colleague and I decided to catch a movie. As we approached the theater, we read the marquee. I went inside to ask about it. My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the trunk and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: The aquarium shop where I work has been in business for more than 20 years. One Sunday a customer called wanting to buy a larger aquarium.

The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative. Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: During a shopping trip to a department store, I was looking around for a salesperson so I could pay for my purchase.

During the mortgage closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. If you pay your installments on time, there is nothing in there that could harm you. Should you stop paying, however, there is definitely nothing in the small print that can save you.

Was the meal that bad? One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out of her car and smacked the glass in front of my face. There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern.

It was late in the afternoon, and I was putting the final burnishes on a piece of writing that I was feeling pretty good about. Yes, okay, it was an e-mail, but it was a clever one and I hated to lose it. My cursor had frozen. I tried to shut the computer down, and it seized up altogether.

Unsure of what else to do, I yanked the battery out. Unfortunately, Windows had been in the midst of a delicate and crucial undertaking. The next morning, when I turned my computer back on, it informed me that a file had been corrupted and Windows would not load. More graciously, it offered to repair itself by using the Windows Setup CD. I opened the special drawer where I keep CDs that I have no intention of ever using. There was an IKEA how-to CD, which featured young Swedes assembling kitchen cabinets with nothing but a sardine can key and untrammeled wholesomeness.

But no Windows CD. My call was answered by a woman in some unnamed, far-off land. So I got right to the point. I recognized the technique from a thousand breakfast conversations. It quickly became clear that the woman was not a computer technician. Her job was to serve as a gatekeeper, a human shield for the techs, who were off in the back room, or possibly another far-off continent, playing cards and burning CDs for their friends.

Her sole duty, as far as I could tell, was to raise global stress levels. No matter how many times I repeated my story, we came back to the same place. She was unflappable and resolutely polite. When my voice hit a certain decibel, I was passed along, like a hot, irritable potato, to a technician.

We went on like this for a while. Finally, he offered to walk me through the use of a different CD, one that would erase my entire system. An hour later, he called to let me know it was ready. I thanked him, and we chatted about the weather, which was the same outside my window as it was outside his. Thank you for calling VeriCom Customer Care. Your call is important to us, though not as important as it is to you. If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press or say 1.

If you are calling from a rotary-dial phone, please stay on the line while a customer-care representative makes mocking, derisive faces. To save us money and expedite the dismissal of customer-care representatives, our express automated-speech response system is now available.

To use this system, press 1. To speak to a customer-care representative, call the Peterson County unemployment office. To hear these options again, hang up and call back. Welcome to the express automated-speech response system. Please say your digit personal account number, located on the upper lower left middle corner of the one page of your bill that has gone missing, followed by the pound sign.

If this is correct, say Yes. You are mumbling, or have a funny accent. For payment information, say Payment. To hear these options again, say Attention Span of a Gnat. To hear the call of the long-toed stint, say kirrrrr-PIP! Welcome to the automated payment information center.

A late fee of as much as we can possibly charge without government intervention has been posted to your account. Accounts Receivable Clerk Smetak has been promoted. Whoever said life was fair? To exit the express automated- speech response system, press or say 1.

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You may hear clicks followed by silence. This has been noted in your record and will be reflected in the quality of service you receive and the tone of voice of the customer-care representative, should you somehow manage to reach one. To use our express automated-speech response system, press 1.

To hear our website address, press 2. To speak to someone about your anger-management problem, press 3. Thank you for calling. If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. Patty Brozo, Green Valley, Arizona. Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? You ordered a BLT. I thought the B stood for bread.

Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania. Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. You mean … the period? Paul Neelon, Pembroke, Massachusetts.

They all look like that. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: The customer was flummoxed: Look at their oddball requests: A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. Roz Warren, from womensvoicesforchange. The engineers are working on it. It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … … to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.

Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter. Our horses are very sweet … Mom:

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Our elementary school was honoring local veterans. I stole a couple of minutes from work to give my wife a call. She put my two-year-old son on, and we chatted a while before he ended it with an enthusiastic "I love you! I was about to hang up when I heard him ask sweetly, "Mommy, who was that? At our supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! The boys fell silent for a few seconds.

During Sunday school, the substitute teacher asked my four-year-old what his name was. The highlight of our zoo trip was a peacock showing off its plumage. My four-year-old son was particularly taken with it. I saw a Christmas tree come out of a chicken! I love playing Santa at the mall.

But parents often have trouble getting young children to sit on my knee. It took a lot of coaxing for one little girl to perch there, so I got straight to the point. Last Thanksgiving, my niece came home with her school project: The first time my son was on a bike with training wheels, I shouted, "Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake! A little boy went to the library to check out a book titled Comprehensive Guide for Mothers.

To commemorate his first visit to our library, I gave a six-year-old boy a bookmark. More familiar with electronic gadgets than old-school tools, he had no clue how it worked.

So I demonstrated by placing it between two pages, then closing the book. Oh, no, the end of her innocence, I thought. Then she announced her finding: My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up. Tyler was exuberant at the prospect. While I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along.

He did as he was told. When he received a journal as a gift, my eight-year-old son was mystified. The pages are blank. When my ex-Marine father-in-law was at my house, our six-year-old neighbor came by to play with my kids.

I asked her if she knew who he was. I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them. The other day, I asked if she would like me to make her a skirt. Up on the screen at our local multiplex, the star whispered to his female costar, "I want you to be my mistress.

Tired of doom-and-gloom headlines? Hence, the birth of our June cover line: Take a look at our cover and share your thoughts. Recently John started discussing his trip. We will we will Rock you. Alpaca the trunk, you pack-a the suitcase. Sam and Janet Sam and Janet who?

Every morning, I do a mad dash to drop off my son Tyler at day care so I can get to work on time. My cousin, a teacher, asked her young students, "Why should you never accept candy from strangers? My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, "Why does it have to be a secret?

He was playing with her car keys when the phone rang. Thinking quickly, she gave him another set of keys. As she pretended not to look, Luke toddled around the corner and into her bedroom.

Then she watched as he carefully placed the second set of keys under her bed—right next to the original car keys. I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place.

I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids. When my daughter was little, we took a vacation to Florida. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to Rhonda that we were above the ocean. My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way? Later I was asked to baby-sit for Brian, and we hit it off wonderfully. I love you, Meanie. One night our local newscaster was reading about an allegation that two Sesame Street characters, Bert and Ernie, were gay. They argued a lot and then made up to show children how to resolve conflicts and stay friends. While watching this report, my wife, Donna, noticed that our seven-year-old daughter was also listening. While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma.

Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect: Never having seen anyone breast- feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange comments and questions.

Once, in a restaurant, a child stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the courage to ask, "Are you a genie? Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and decided to humor the child. A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked.

He sat down and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw. Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand and hand these days. I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and pounds.

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? Because it was cemented to his upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release it. When it finally popped out, three of his baby teeth came out as well. My boy was horrified when he saw the gaps. As a dentist, I recently tried out a new chocolate-flavored pumice paste on my patients. No one liked it except for a six-year-old boy.

While I polished his teeth, he continued to smile and lick his lips. The commercial for Viagra with the middle-aged men running happily through the streets to the song "We Are the Champions" came on while my husband and ten-year-old son were watching TV. After seeing these jubilant men kicking up their heels, my son turned to his father and said, "Dad, would you be that happy if you got rid of your heartburn? A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights.

I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

He called the company and asked how he could settle up. One woman raved about the rides at our water park, but she did have a valid complaint: Are you using an American card? You should put up a sign. We did, above the card slot. I was delivering pizzas when I fell hard onto the sidewalk. Seeing me sprawled on the ground, my concerned customer yelled, "Oh, no! As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone. One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer mine as well.

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it. After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the Bible. After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.

So she stopped an associate and asked, "Does this come in a Nike? A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her bill.

She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when they have a check to write. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash. Tour guides get bored spewing the same facts everyday. So these Philadelphia guides rewrote history. So Pine Street was lined with pines, etc. After giving birth, I quit my job. But one visitor stumped me: A customer called our rental store to ask about rectangular tables.

I told him we had six-foot and eight-foot tables. Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there. After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress.

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.

Norway Hunters Welcome! After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out. The flustered agent interrupted. Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off. I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with spray bottle and paper towels in hand.

The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. The member replied, "Do they have to be living? VisitBritain, a travel bureau, has compiled these tourist questions. At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.

One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. After loudly polling everyone at his table, he asked me, "What do you think I should have? Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: I took a real estate client to a handyman special.

Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company.

One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted.

I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: My new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving the phone number to activate the card.

I called the number and got one option: That led me to a live person, who answered with her first name and the title "Credit Card Activator.

As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, "How can I help you? An hour later, there was a knock at the door. The handyman had finished. It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: After I put that in, I got a third message: Please do not hang up, as this will further delay your call. My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards. A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. Now how do you spell your name? When a boy around eight answered the phone, I identified myself, told him I was calling for MCI and asked to speak to his parents.

The FBI wants to talk to you! Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle.

We have white and red. I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…".

Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store. When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it.

He said next time we needed any repairs to ask for him. The next year when we needed service again, we requested Mr. I took the day off from work and waited for him to arrive.

After he had worked on our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. It had my name and said: There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Hare must be on vacation. Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.

I called several hotels, with no luck. I called my local utility for help with a minor malfunction in my outdoor gas grill. Their automated phone system put me on hold for over 20 minutes. One afternoon, while touring the Canyonlands of southern Utah, my husband and I pulled into the only hotel in a small town.

While signing the register, we asked the young woman behind the desk if our room was air-conditioned. When she shook her head no, we hesitated, wondering if we should push on to the next town. Sensing our doubt, she brightened as she came up with a solution. My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate.

We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane. Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: Poker Chips and Salsa Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa? Because of all the Cheetahs Q: What kind of shark is always gambling? What do craps dealers eat for dessert? How's a casino like a good woman? Liquor in the front, poker in the back! What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

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In some quarters, bookstores may be considered dinosaurs, but odd customers are evergreen, as these requests to bookstore clerks prove. A phone conversation between a client and me—an art director. I was wondering if you received the invoice I sent? Yes, I received it, but I am not going to pay you yet. Well, I still need to get paid now.

My bathroom habits are none of your business, and as soon as I use what you sent me, you will get paid! A customer pulled up to my drive-through window at the fast-food restaurant where I work and requested something from the lunch menu. After thinking it over, she asked, "Do you have anything on your breakfast menu that tastes like lunch?

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. He called the company and asked how he could settle up.

One woman raved about the rides at our water park, but she did have a valid complaint: Are you using an American card? You should put up a sign. We did, above the card slot. I was delivering pizzas when I fell hard onto the sidewalk. Seeing me sprawled on the ground, my concerned customer yelled, "Oh, no! As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone.

One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer mine as well. The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it. After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the Bible.

After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. So she stopped an associate and asked, "Does this come in a Nike? A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her bill.

She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when they have a check to write. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash. Tour guides get bored spewing the same facts everyday. So these Philadelphia guides rewrote history. So Pine Street was lined with pines, etc.

After giving birth, I quit my job. But one visitor stumped me: A customer called our rental store to ask about rectangular tables. I told him we had six-foot and eight-foot tables. Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there.

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. Norway Hunters Welcome! After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.

The flustered agent interrupted. Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off. I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with spray bottle and paper towels in hand. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. The member replied, "Do they have to be living?

VisitBritain, a travel bureau, has compiled these tourist questions. At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. After loudly polling everyone at his table, he asked me, "What do you think I should have?

Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: I took a real estate client to a handyman special. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh.

The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted. I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps.

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: My new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving the phone number to activate the card. I called the number and got one option: That led me to a live person, who answered with her first name and the title "Credit Card Activator. As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, "How can I help you?

An hour later, there was a knock at the door. The handyman had finished. It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: After I put that in, I got a third message: Please do not hang up, as this will further delay your call. My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.

A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. Now how do you spell your name? When a boy around eight answered the phone, I identified myself, told him I was calling for MCI and asked to speak to his parents. The FBI wants to talk to you! Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle.

We have white and red. I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…".

Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store. When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. He said next time we needed any repairs to ask for him. The next year when we needed service again, we requested Mr. I took the day off from work and waited for him to arrive. After he had worked on our air conditioner, he left his work order behind.

It had my name and said: There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Hare must be on vacation.

Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck.

I called my local utility for help with a minor malfunction in my outdoor gas grill. Their automated phone system put me on hold for over 20 minutes. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it.

These jokes are perfect for the young and the young-at-heart. Our 4-year-old granddaughter, Ivy, has been taking riding lessons for over a year. One day during breakfast, she was talking with her mom about horseshoes. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.

Head lice had been detected on a child in the local school, and the teacher told the girls in his class to wear their hair in a bun to discourage the lice.

While we enjoyed our wonton soup and other dishes, Sawyer and his dad wanted to eat their meals with chopsticks. Two year-old boys from the mountains were riding a train to the city for the first time.

For a snack, the attendant gave them bananas. The boys had never eaten such a fruit. Billy started to eat his banana, and the train entered a tunnel. I took two bites and went blind! A few years back, Criseyda, my granddaughter, was visiting me. After a while, the house became very quiet.

Sure enough, he has two of everything! When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school?

What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long? He became bone dry. Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin. What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal? What happened to the pirate ship that sank in the sea full of sharks? It came back with a skeleton crew!

The favorite mode of travel for skeleton pilots is—wait for it—the scareplane or the skelecopter. Mummy, why do all the other kids call me a hairy werewolf? Now stop talking about that and brush your face!

What did one thirsty vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue? Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank? He was caught drinking on the job! What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks? How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts. The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse.

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost. A concerned police officer approaches a boy who is crying in front of a newsstand.

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. During halftime, a Marine band played, and Sam studied them intently.

As I was treating my daughter and her family to the buffet at a casino, all the bells and whistles for a winning slot machine began to go off.

My seven-year-old grandson was awed. My second graders were assigned the task of writing thank-you cards to soldiers serving in the Middle East. One of them wrote, "Thank you for protecting us!

I hope we win! At a baby shower, everyone was asked to complete nursery rhymes. My year-old daughter Taylor contributed this: His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. When I took my school-age daughters to a lunch with veterans, I told them to ask questions.

My five-year-old nephew has always happily answered to BJ. That ended when he came home from his first day of school in a foul mood. It seems his teacher took roll, and he never heard his name. Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions … lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had had it. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died! When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial.

There she saw a large block of text— words long—etched into the monument. I picked up my nine-year-old daughter from school and asked how her day had gone. A few minutes later, I repeated the question, and again a few minutes after that. Instead of annoyed, Ariana was philosophical. I should have known better than to take my four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent the entire time in the mall chasing after him. My two sons, Jake and Austin, are a handful.

Halfway through, the father heard a tapping on the shower door, followed by the sight of my grandson peering in. Looking around the stall, he asked, "Is my mom in here? She found a photograph of him and replaced the cat photo that came with it. My year-old nephew thought his "gangsta" outfit—low-riding pants and exposed boxers—made him look cool. That is, until the day his five-year-old cousin took notice. All parents are proud of overachieving children, and one father was no exception.

Our friend tells everyone that he began losing his hair while serving in Vietnam. His granddaughter incorporated that information into her grade school history report on the war. She wrote, "My Grandpa went to Vietnam and got his hair shot off. My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues.

We were shopping for clothes when my year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look! My husband, a deputy district attorney, was teaching an antidrug class to a group of Cub Scouts. When he asked if anyone could list the gateway drugs, one Scout had the answer: Our elementary school was honoring local veterans.

I stole a couple of minutes from work to give my wife a call. She put my two-year-old son on, and we chatted a while before he ended it with an enthusiastic "I love you! I was about to hang up when I heard him ask sweetly, "Mommy, who was that? At our supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! The boys fell silent for a few seconds.

During Sunday school, the substitute teacher asked my four-year-old what his name was. The highlight of our zoo trip was a peacock showing off its plumage. My four-year-old son was particularly taken with it. I saw a Christmas tree come out of a chicken! I love playing Santa at the mall. But parents often have trouble getting young children to sit on my knee. Whatever his comp card allows him to.

Whats the difference between poker players and politicans? Politicans tell the truth. Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you. What's the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.

What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game? Someone told her to bring her own chips. What card game do lesbians play? What do vampires play poker for? What's the hardest thing about play mini baccarat? Telling your parents your gay! How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch? Pay him for the Pizza.

One Liners Love is gambling, not with money but with your heart. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back. If it weren't for the drug use, degenerate gambling, and drinking I would be a great catch. Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling I can support my gambling habit without a job, but I want one so I can support it even more.

Girls are like blackjack, I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on

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It was attached to my left breast. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including:. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket. Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths.

Towels are located in aisle five. My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window.

I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. In some quarters, bookstores may be considered dinosaurs, but odd customers are evergreen, as these requests to bookstore clerks prove. A phone conversation between a client and me—an art director. I was wondering if you received the invoice I sent? Yes, I received it, but I am not going to pay you yet. Well, I still need to get paid now. My bathroom habits are none of your business, and as soon as I use what you sent me, you will get paid!

A customer pulled up to my drive-through window at the fast-food restaurant where I work and requested something from the lunch menu. After thinking it over, she asked, "Do you have anything on your breakfast menu that tastes like lunch?

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

He called the company and asked how he could settle up. One woman raved about the rides at our water park, but she did have a valid complaint: Are you using an American card? You should put up a sign. We did, above the card slot. I was delivering pizzas when I fell hard onto the sidewalk.

Seeing me sprawled on the ground, my concerned customer yelled, "Oh, no! As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone.

One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer mine as well. The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it. After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the Bible. After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.

She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. So she stopped an associate and asked, "Does this come in a Nike? A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her bill.

She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when they have a check to write. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash. Tour guides get bored spewing the same facts everyday. So these Philadelphia guides rewrote history. So Pine Street was lined with pines, etc.

After giving birth, I quit my job. But one visitor stumped me: A customer called our rental store to ask about rectangular tables. I told him we had six-foot and eight-foot tables. Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there.

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. Norway Hunters Welcome! After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out. The flustered agent interrupted. Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off.

I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with spray bottle and paper towels in hand. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.

The member replied, "Do they have to be living? VisitBritain, a travel bureau, has compiled these tourist questions. At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.

One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. After loudly polling everyone at his table, he asked me, "What do you think I should have? Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: I took a real estate client to a handyman special.

Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank.

I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted. I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash.

Then I had him perform a few other steps. An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: My new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving the phone number to activate the card. I called the number and got one option: That led me to a live person, who answered with her first name and the title "Credit Card Activator.

As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, "How can I help you? An hour later, there was a knock at the door. The handyman had finished. It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: After I put that in, I got a third message: Please do not hang up, as this will further delay your call.

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards. A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. Now how do you spell your name? When a boy around eight answered the phone, I identified myself, told him I was calling for MCI and asked to speak to his parents.

The FBI wants to talk to you! Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle.

We have white and red. I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…". Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store. She wrote, "My Grandpa went to Vietnam and got his hair shot off.

My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues. We were shopping for clothes when my year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look!

My husband, a deputy district attorney, was teaching an antidrug class to a group of Cub Scouts. When he asked if anyone could list the gateway drugs, one Scout had the answer: Our elementary school was honoring local veterans. I stole a couple of minutes from work to give my wife a call. She put my two-year-old son on, and we chatted a while before he ended it with an enthusiastic "I love you!

I was about to hang up when I heard him ask sweetly, "Mommy, who was that? At our supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! The boys fell silent for a few seconds. During Sunday school, the substitute teacher asked my four-year-old what his name was. The highlight of our zoo trip was a peacock showing off its plumage. My four-year-old son was particularly taken with it. I saw a Christmas tree come out of a chicken!

I love playing Santa at the mall. But parents often have trouble getting young children to sit on my knee. It took a lot of coaxing for one little girl to perch there, so I got straight to the point. Last Thanksgiving, my niece came home with her school project: The first time my son was on a bike with training wheels, I shouted, "Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake! A little boy went to the library to check out a book titled Comprehensive Guide for Mothers.

To commemorate his first visit to our library, I gave a six-year-old boy a bookmark. More familiar with electronic gadgets than old-school tools, he had no clue how it worked. So I demonstrated by placing it between two pages, then closing the book.

Oh, no, the end of her innocence, I thought. Then she announced her finding: My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up. Tyler was exuberant at the prospect. While I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along.

He did as he was told. When he received a journal as a gift, my eight-year-old son was mystified. The pages are blank. When my ex-Marine father-in-law was at my house, our six-year-old neighbor came by to play with my kids. I asked her if she knew who he was. I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them.

The other day, I asked if she would like me to make her a skirt. Up on the screen at our local multiplex, the star whispered to his female costar, "I want you to be my mistress. Tired of doom-and-gloom headlines? Hence, the birth of our June cover line: Take a look at our cover and share your thoughts.

Recently John started discussing his trip. We will we will Rock you. Alpaca the trunk, you pack-a the suitcase. Sam and Janet Sam and Janet who? Every morning, I do a mad dash to drop off my son Tyler at day care so I can get to work on time. My cousin, a teacher, asked her young students, "Why should you never accept candy from strangers? My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat.

After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, "Why does it have to be a secret? He was playing with her car keys when the phone rang. Thinking quickly, she gave him another set of keys. As she pretended not to look, Luke toddled around the corner and into her bedroom. Then she watched as he carefully placed the second set of keys under her bed—right next to the original car keys.

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids.

When my daughter was little, we took a vacation to Florida. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to Rhonda that we were above the ocean. My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?

Later I was asked to baby-sit for Brian, and we hit it off wonderfully. I love you, Meanie. One night our local newscaster was reading about an allegation that two Sesame Street characters, Bert and Ernie, were gay. They argued a lot and then made up to show children how to resolve conflicts and stay friends. While watching this report, my wife, Donna, noticed that our seven-year-old daughter was also listening. While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma.

Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect: Never having seen anyone breast- feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child stared with amazement at my father.

She finally got the courage to ask, "Are you a genie? Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and decided to humor the child. A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights.

Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw. Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand and hand these days. I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and pounds.

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? Because it was cemented to his upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release it. When it finally popped out, three of his baby teeth came out as well. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back. If it weren't for the drug use, degenerate gambling, and drinking I would be a great catch.

Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling I can support my gambling habit without a job, but I want one so I can support it even more.

Girls are like blackjack, I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. More like Viva Lost Wages! My cat quit playing poker with the big cats at the zoo If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you. Gambling Quotes Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright Poker is like sex - everyone thinks they're the best, but most people don't have a clue what they're doing. Dutch Boyd If you're playing a poker game and look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you Paul Newman. When a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience leaves with money and the man with money leaves with experience. ME Trust everyone, but always cut the cards. The week flew by and they all had a great time.

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