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The abandonment constantly awakens her own childhood abandonment. Her man leaving her over and over causes unbearable pain for the child within Running Waters. Running Waters has a good stable job, as she is a clever woman. People can count on her to be there for them. She loves her daughters and wants them to have a better life than she had growing up.

She does not want them to be subjected to violence and an alcoholic father, as she was. She is beautiful and has a good soul filled with laughter and compassion.

However, in a second her husband can reduce her to feeling worthless. I think I need a man to make me feel safe and protected," says Running Waters. He is your childhood, your fear, and your black peers criticizing you. He is your stepfather's violence as well as your grandfather's and uncle's sexual abuse of you. He is your husband's control of you. He is the perpetrator that lives in you and needs to be brought into the healing light, so that he no longer controls you. Open the door, Running Waters, and speak.

Find your voice that was cut out from you years ago. Bring him into the light of the fire. Let him be transformed into self-confidence. She prepared the ritual, inviting him in to sit by the fire. She faced her childhood and rescued her lost child.

She lifted her high into the sky so the eagle's feathers could cover her. She could hear the Spirit speak:. One day, Running Waters came to sit with me. She told me that she had left her husband. She took her children and moved out.

I love him and I want him to heal; but I also love my children enough to take them out of an abusive situation. I feel shame when I see those old shacks. You are looking for your centre; the place where everything comes together. Your journey leads you away from the cold, hard cement of the city, the man made stuff, onto the dirt roads and the things that have been abandoned and left for dead. The cement covers up the earth and your feelings.

Nothing grows through cement. The old Indian man shows you where to go and you do follow him, even though you do not thoroughly trust him. Do you have a problem trusting yourself and your instincts? He leads you to a place where you are not comfortable and you are confused. Can you trust that the Creator is guiding you to a place within yourself which seeks to restore harmony and reconcile opposing forces of dark and light, hard and soft, male and female?

The tapestries on the wall suggest that perhaps the weaving together of these opposing forces will bring you to realise the harmony and beauty that dwells within you. You are the artist and the work of art. It was an old Indian man who sexually abused me. Why should I trust any man?

This old man lives in you; he is a part of you. He is not only dark, but contains the light of wisdom as he guides you to your centre, at your own invitation. He is the Trickster. Nothing about him is quite as it seems. He reminds you of your grandfather; but he is also a wise guide.

Maybe he personifies all of your beliefs about men and the masculine force. For harmony, there must be intermarriage between masculine and feminine energy. For that to happen, perhaps you need to trust all of yourself. Soon after, her daughter, Floating Words, came to see me because she had had a nightmare after they had moved.

Let the tiger take the gun and bury it. No more guns, Floating Words. You can stop hiding, because the tiger will protect you. Every family has a rhythm. The rhythm can harm or nurture the individual members. I could see that as Running Waters left her husband, a particular rhythm broke. A pattern had started to shift. Floating Words now voiced something she could not say as long as the family stayed in the dysfunctional rhythm.

Dysfunctional patterns become destructive and self-defeating to members of a family. The child internalizes the violence between her parents and becomes a slave to dark forces. That is the message from Floating Words' dream.

As soon as the pattern shifts, everyone moves in response to the shuffle. The shuffling is the creative process at work. The price is high for Running Waters as now she will have to feel fully whatever her husband served to protect her from. I go away and I'm not fully present when things get confused.

I avoid intimacy, never letting people get too close to me or they shall see me for who I really am. I cannot risk the rejection that comes with intimacy. The dream awakens Running Waters' fear and the need for this very brave woman to shed her layers. That is the power of the snake and its innate nature. Running Waters feels repulsed by the snakes, but our journey leads us to face our inner swamplands and our courage is born through, and in, the encounter with those forces that hold us suspended.

For Running Waters, her fear holds her suspended. That fear was injected into her soul and heart through her abuse as a child and her abandonment by those she loved. Healing and recovery guide us to walk through and feel the messiness of our human condition. To feel fully our poverty gives birth to a resurrected spirit. Running Waters' young spirit was broken at the hands of her perpetrators. The snakes, those slimy things she was subjected to, have another side.

If they are the slimy sexual elements they are also healing elements with the ability to shed their skins and enable her to shed her skins of fear, shame and sorrow.

Letting go of her skins is the work of the spirit and so the question is placed before her:. Running Waters makes her prayer to her Creator and places her hand in the paper bag. I can feel something pushing through a layer of shell and then I see her pull out of the round paper bag a tiny baby, pure and smooth, smiling up at the face of her mother.

Running Waters is very uncomfortable with the dream. She wonders if her husband is assaulting Floating Words. She feels the dream urges her to be more aware of the safety of her child. Then she allows the dream to just be. She does not want to manipulate it, but waits for the message the dream has for her.

I feel a deep sorrow move up and out from within some locked place inside of her. Running Waters' tears speak. I am a child who needs a father.

I look to my husband to be my father. I want him to love me as a father. From the time I was in my mother's womb, a tiny fetus, I waited for my father to hold me. I searched for him all these years trying to find him in my marriage. I grieve never having a father. How I miss him! I'm always looking for him. Last week I found myself looking through father's day cards in a store. For my father, I thought. Wherever you are, I love you.

Please be proud of me and what I have accomplished. Wherever you are please send your love to me in the wind. I will listen for you, my father. This work contains powerful healing stories where the dreams and spirituality of First Nations women guide them on their path towards recovery and wholeness.

First edition published through a grant from the Aboriginal Healing Foundation in Running Waters The soft-spoken woman before me speaks about her pain. Father directs his child to the mountaintop and shows her the world and says: I can see her throat has been slit. There seems to be another woman with me, and my daughter who is 7 years old is also there.

There is a man there and he is going to rape my daughter — I see she is nude. I scream, "Take me instead! We are not alone and we will learn to face our fear because the fire will help us. A Dream I am in my home, but it is different. The front door is all glass and I can see that outside the glass door there is a black man standing, looking at me. He is trying to come in. The black man is like the night trying to come in again I feel fragile nothing between him and me. She could hear the Spirit speak: Try your luck at slot machines in this 3D environment.

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