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Why she threw away years of hard-earned wages and stole from people who trusted her, some who loved her. She can never get back the relationship with the man she thought she would marry. And she may never entirely escape the feelings of shame and regret for lying to loved ones and colleagues. For lying to herself. It doesn't matter now.

What matters is that Kaye is winning the battle. There is money in her bank account. She can walk past a pub without going in and emptying her wallet. She can buy groceries and come home with the change, get her hair done and pay her rent. She can hold down an honest relationship. Suicidal thoughts have lifted with her depression. What matters now is that Kaye is finally escaping the soul-destroying grip of poker machine addiction.

I keep thinking, 'Is this what normal people have?

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But I know I'm smart and I know I can do it. It's important that I don't think too much about what I lost to gambling because looking back just makes me hate myself. I have to look forward now. I have to build a new life for myself. Kaye may be a common gambling addict, yet she is far from the stereotype.

She is 36, well educated and well groomed. She learnt the value of money and worked around school hours to buy things she wanted.

She was sporty, popular and, like her four siblings, finished year An older sister did a PhD, she says admiringly, and paid for it herself. By submitting your email you are agreeing to Fairfax Media's terms and conditions and privacy policy. Like many teenagers, Star Casino Pokies struggled with an eating disorder, which became worse at 24 when her father died from a mystery lung disease. Her friends had left to study at university and Kaye became lonely.

She started going to the pub and putting a few dollars in a poker machine. Down but motivated, Kaye moved to Sydney to work in hospitality. She found that her new colleagues were into pokies and one night she decided to join in the fun.

It was the night that dictated the next decade of Star Casino Pokies life. It was a great buzz. Within an alarmingly short time, it changed the way she interpreted playing pokies.

The joy of the flutter was replaced by an irresistible compulsion. I wanted that feeling again. It just overtook me. The cost was serviceable at first. The consuming nature of gambling addiction is evident in her recollections.

She recalls very clearly the details of that initial big win, as well as several highly emotional incidents. But, mostly, her memories are jumbled. She shudders as she recalls the feeling of walking out of gaming rooms empty-handed time and again.

It's the same when she explains how she lied repeatedly to her flatmate Lottery Scheme Casino Dealer Memes Chistosos about why she was broke. She said twice that her wallet had been stolen - she'd thrown it away to avoid being caught out.

As the debts grew, she would go to cash-advance shops, show a pay slip and be granted money at exorbitant interest. Everything could be fixed by another big win. It just wasn't the real me. I was physically doing these things but it was the 'gambling me', not the 'real me'. Kaye's sister was catching on and took her to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting.

But it was impossible for Kaye to relate to the old men there, who had lost literally everything. She was smart and young, working and socialising. She wasn't gambling every day. One night, after a shift in a new job as assistant manager at a cafe, Kaye took a minute taxi ride to Star City casino and put her pay packet through the pokies. Over the next four hours, Kaye returned to the safe five times and lost the lot.

At no point did she consider the implications.

  • Laws have been put on the books to mandate that slot machines pay out certain percentages with purely random probability.
  • The slots machines on offer at Star City Casino are dotted all around the casino floor and come in all different shapes and sizes, ranging all the way from your basic playing classic slots all the way through to the all action bonus video slots. Numerous leading pokies manufacturers also call Star City home.
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She'd been entranced, fixated on hitting the jackpot. By 5am Kaye sat alone in the cafe, crying, feeling sick, wanting to die.

Kaye's sister picked her up and took her to her boss's house to explain what had happened. She cried as she confessed.

Perhaps misguidedly, the boss promised not to press charges or sack her as long as the money was repaid.

Still with a credit rating, Kaye received a bank loan to pay the debt.

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But one month later, in almost identical circumstances, she did it again. This time Kaye was fired and forced to sign a contract to repay the money. To see my colleagues look at me that way … They hated me. They didn't see it as a problem I had, they just saw me as a thief. It was the worst feeling you could imagine.

Kaye's life was starting to fall apart. She'd started a new relationship and appeared normal to others. Inside, she was a mess. She kept playing pokies to escape, even though it was the cause of her problems. There's so much going on, the colours and noises … It takes over your senses. But gambling's grip was tight.

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At her next job she was paid under the table, leaving with hundreds in her pocket, confronted by gaming rooms on nearly every corner. But, after again losing a whole pay packet, Kaye decided to come clean.

He was a very understanding and good man. But he was working overnight and I'd finish work in the afternoon and go straight to the pokies. I'd grab a white wine, light a cigarette and play. It was my escape time. I'd tell [Mark] I was having drinks with people, but I'd be gambling. It was now a swift descent.

Kaye would go to the shop to get bread but Real Casino Mobile up gambling and come home with nothing. She would either lie to Mark or confess and they would fight. Instead of working on her fraying relationship, Kaye found companionship among fellow addicts.

People would get talkative when they won. I remember a psychologist woman who played all the time, a couple who had Star Casino Pokies successful business and always played together … Some people played two machines at once. They'd put cards into the button so they wouldn't have to keep pressing it. It just keeps ticking over. One guy would pray to the machine and when he'd win he'd say, 'See!

I knew it wasn't true. I knew that the machines are programmed so you lose. But I still kept playing. But the losses were much greater. Mark covered the debts but it only prolonged the inevitable. I wish it never happened. He's a great man, one of the best people I'd met in my life. I thought I'd marry him. Kaye dragged her next partner into gambling.

They never called my work or checked my income. They just sent it to me in three days. Things were mounting up. Kaye was paying her rent by credit and banks were calling in overdue repayments. She began cutting her wrists and considered suicide.

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